The 100 Unsexiest Men of the Year 2006
Welcome to the first installment of ThePhoenix.com's 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. After pouring through thousands of photographs, millions of frames of movies and TV shows, the staff at thephoenix.com has compiled a list of the least sexy males on the planet.
1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing, but that still can't save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman.
2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis Nixon?
3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn't fuck him.
4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid.
5. Alan Colmes: Not really fair, since he's got to sit next to brown shirt-stud Hannity each night. But Colmes - lazy eye, unkept hair, droopy features - has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!
6. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music.
7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.
8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn't on the list). But a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not getting any style points.
9. Jay Leno: "It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a good way," was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed comic.
10. Don Imus: "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but not in a good way," was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of skin and bones.
11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.
12. Wallace Shawn: Even if you're attracted to his rounded dome, how can anyone get past that nasally lisp?
13. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked.
14. Richard Simmons: Words don't do it justice.
15. Jon Lovitz: Bald, annoying, unfunny, and hair in the all the wrong places. For all we know, he was running through the cast of League of Their Own. But we doubt it.
16. Carrot Top: Sheer obnoxiousness necessitates his placement on this list.
17. Jerry Seinfeld: This is for everyone who has ever yelled at the TV when Jerry brought home another model on Seinfeld.
18. Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point.
19. Chevy Chase: He got unfunny with age. Then he got ugly.
20. Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him.
21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron Howard, he's just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.
22. Clint Howard: Ron's younger, balder, and weirder-looking brother. Yes, weirder looking than Ron Howard.
23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: "Gates apparently made a deal with the devil – 'You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'"
24. Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays.
25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?
26. Tim Burton: He's got the Robert Smith hair coupled with a mighty hunch. Yet he's dating Helena Bonham Carter.
27. Edward James Olmos: Remember season one of South Park? When Kenny was a zombie, everyone assumed it was an Edward James Olmos costume. Wonder why.
28. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12.
29. Don Zimmer: The gerbil's got a massive, ivory-white noggin' that never did much thinking to begin with. Ask any Red Sox fan over 35.
30. Tony Kornheiser: Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle.
31. Chris Kattan
32. Otis Nixon
33. Julian Tavarez
34. Christopher Lloyd
35. Willie McGee
36. Pat Cummings
37. Scottie Pippen
38. Larry David
39. Michael Moore
40. Al Franken: Too arrogant
41. Paris Latsis: Maybe not the worst-looking guy in the world, but, well, think about who was there first.
42. Rush Limbaugh: No doubt he will claim his placement on this list as a result of a media bias and not the fact that he's just butt-ugly
43. David Gest
44. Garey Busey: Those teeth would give anyone nightmares.
45. Nick Nolte: Busey's oddball partner in crime, but at least he had a career once.
46. Leif Garrett
47. Andy Dick: It's a trap!
48. Scott Stapp
49. Lyle Lovett
50. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care.
51. Bill Wyman
52. Danny DeVito
53. Peter Jackson
54. Drew Carey
55. Newt Gingrich
56. Rob Schneider
57. Ed O'Neil: We love ya, Ed, but sorry. There was a reason you never waited on any really hot girls at that shoe store.
58. Bill O'Reilly
59. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone's bratty little brother.
60. Joe Lieberman
61. Jim Gaffigan: Pasty, goofy-looking comedians abound on this list.
62. Bill Maher: . . . Especially ones with poodle hair.
63. John Popper
64. Dennis Miller
65. John Madden: Those massive hands seem more frightening than anything. Boom!
66. Robert Englund: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about Freddy Krueger.
67. Robert Patrick: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about the T-1000
68. John Ashcroft
69. Joe Gannascolli
70. Kevin James: His TV marriage to Leah Remini on King of Queens is less believable than anything on Lost.
71. George Steinbrenner: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.
72. Grady Little: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.
73. Harvey Pekar
74. DJ Qualls: What's he weigh, like, 70 pounds? How much of that is grease?
75. Joey Buttafuoco
76. Garry Shandling
77. Meat Loaf Aday
78. Joe Walsh
79. Tom from Myspace: As a friend of mine said, why does he have to be everyone's friend? Isn't that a little needy? Not hot at all.
80. Art Garfunkel
81. Brian Posehn
82. Howie Mandel
83. Barry Bonds: If what his mistress told the authors of Game of Shadows is true, then no, you don't want any part of that
84. Dick Vitale: Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling that sex with Dickie V. would be anything but "awesome, baby."
85. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg
86. Jeff Van Gundy
87. Jimmy Johnson: It's the hair
88. John Clayton: How is this ESPN's top football guy?
89. Don Vito: I suppose we were never really supposed to know what Bam Margera's uncle looks like, but since we do, he has to be included.
90. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him.
91. (tie) Hideki Matsui / Jose Canseco: "Every time I have tried to help a woman, I've been incarcerated," Canseco famously said on The Surreal Life. You old charmer, you.
92. Bill Parcells: Especially when you see the photos of him in shorts at training camp
93. Ric Flair: To be the man (WOO!) you got to . . . do something about those man boobs!
94. Ralph Nader
95. Dennis Kucinich: Something about those progressives.
96. Horatio Sanz: Laughing at your own jokes is not sexy
97. Dom DeLuise
98. Emeril Lagasse
99. Kevin Federline: Mooching hicks aren't so hot these days.
100.Brad Pitt: He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he's probably not worth it.