The 100 Unsexiest Men of the Year 2007

[100] TOM CRUISE
Religio-cinematic icon

The heat Cruise emitted early in his career has evaporated, leaving a smirking corpse only slightly colder than the Wicked Witch of the West (to name another humorless cartoon, prone to disturbingly manic episodes, who melts when squirted). About as sexy as a toad turd, Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappier version of Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator (check his cyborg-like smile and virtuous embrace of a bizarre science-fiction scenario masquerading as quasi-religion) but comes off even creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and enslave — sorry, wed in holy matrimony — impressionable young actresses.

[99] AARON CARTER
Aging kidz bopper

This pizza-faced little bro of the Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter spent his airtime on their trainwreck reality show puking his guts out and trying to convince his trailer-trash buddies how ’hood he is.

[98] REVEREND TED HAGGARD
Colorado male-escort patron

Getting snagged with prostitutes is always a bad look, but Ted — no relation to Merle — compounded the common sin of adultery with heaps of lyin’, bullshittin’, and hypocritizin’. The leader of the 30-million-strong National Association of Evangelicals — as well as an anti-evolutionist and an important supporter of George W. Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign — preached anti-gay sermons from his pulpit while also making monthly paid visits to a male prostitute, with whom he allegedly snorted meth. More proof that God loves ugly?

[97] LARRY KING
Celebrity interlocutor

This septuagenarian serial monogamist makes Marge Simpson sound like Lily Allen. Rumored to have a terrible flatulence problem.

[96] JON HEDER
Jojo dancer

After Napoleon Dynamite, this genetically-challenged one-joke-wonder stretched his 15 minutes by painting on the spandex and starring as Will Ferrell's figure-skating partner in a film that should’ve been titled Napoleon Dynamite on Ice. Is there an unsexier phrase in the English language than “Will Ferrell’s skating partner”?

[95] PATRICK STUMP
Fall Out Boy singer; emoticon

FOB ringleader Pete Wentz, who infamously camera-phoned pics of his own dick and accidentally leaked ’em to the Internet, writes every shitty lyric that comes out of Stump’s mouth (except for the ones they “borrowed” from Massachusetts hardcore vet Wes Eisold). But given the singer’s physique, Wentz must be feeding Stump more than words. If that pudge-gutted, receding-hairlined, mutton-chopped marionette wants to get laid, we recommend a case of Slim-Fast, a couple of Motörhead records, and the retrieval of his balls from whatever jar Wentz keeps them in.

[94] BILL RICHARDSON
Darkhorse

Chubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators. Which, unfortunately, leaves the triple-chinned hopeful with precious little time for the treadmill. Chances may improve if he stays hungry — or if he accidentally eats the rest of the Democratic field onstage during the first debate.

[93] JIMMY KIMMEL
Blimp 182

We always appreciated Sarah Silverman’s debased, masochistic sense of humor, but secretly suspected it was all just an act — at least until we found out she was dating a certain chubb-o late-night TV host. After an evening of screwing Kimmel, telling Holocaust jokes must seem like a walk in the park.

[92] OSAMA BIN LADEN
Diabetic outlaw

Only slightly less sexy than our own commander in chief, the Ichabod Crane of Tora Bora could use a new look. Note to Osama: camouflage jackets have been out since the millennium. (Hey, since the military can’t find him, maybe the fashion police should be on the case.) Sure, there’s not a surplus of couture outlets — or even dry cleaners — in Afghanistan, but even Al-Zarqawi knew how to apply a little eye-liner and lip gloss.

[91] BOB SAGET
Tanner

There’s nothing sadder than a comedian who gets more laughs as a punchline than he does as a stand-up. But when Saget went Rambo and started telling gross-out jokes to play off the shame of having raised the Olsen twins, he crossed the line from pathetic bottom-feeder to slimy douchebag.