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  • 10. Dr. Conrad Murray

    Hanging out with Michael Jackson? Not sexy! Even if MJ was never really into diddling little kids, dude was super creepy. Giving Michael Jackson massive doses of surgery-grade knockout meds? Even unsexier. Discovering Michael Jackson passed out and not breathing, then panicking and giving bogus half-assed CPR, then being somehow unable to call 911 for a half hour? Maximum unsexy. This schmuck's own lawyer said it best: "He's not a doctor . . . he's now just the man who killed Michael Jackson."
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  • 9. John Lackey and Josh Beckett

    Nestled in the shadow's of "America's Most Beloved Ballpark," we here in the Phoenix offices were privy to a firsthand glimpse of the mood in the Fenway area this September, and let us tell you, it was fucking depressing. And because it wouldn't be right to levy that blame on any one player, we're going to give you two: John Lackey and Josh Beckett. We realize it's not us signing their paychecks, but paying triple-digit ticket prices to see these two goons limply take the mound in between their chicken-and-beer-fueled video-game sessions? No thanks.
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  • 8. Doug Hutchison

    We're not sure which scenario is creepier: that this cradle-plunderer wedded his bleached-blonde teen-skank bride as a publicity stunt, or that the couple tied the knot because they actually share some sort of deep love connection. Scratch that, we do know: it's the latter. Watching this paunchy old dude tonguewrestle with his 16-year-old wife sort of make us want to gouge our own eyes out. We now find this guy more disgusting than we did back when he was on The X-Files playing a guy who could squeeze his body into tiny cracks and devour your liver.
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  • 7. Anthony Weiner

    Who wouldn’t want to receive unsolicited pictures of this erstwhile congressman’s tighty-whitey-sheathed kosher dill? (Shudder.) And who wouldn’t want to sext with a man who likes to fantasize about being a superhero? (“I came back strong. Large. In charge. Tights and cape shit,” he texted to one 17-year-old penpal.) The puns have all been made; the real question is why a guy who has undoubtedly been teased for his last name all his life would make it so easy.
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  • 6. Tyler, The Creator

    Did you know that Tyler Okonma, the frontman for the horror rap group Odd Future (making rape jokes and homophobia cool again for white suburban skateboarders since '10) was a very young and famous person? If not, allow me to direct you to his Twitter @fucktyler, where he will remind you of those facts every 10 seconds in between his dump-taking exploits. The shock value of the (we think probably) intelligent rapper may just be an epic troll job, but even worse is how quickly it got boring.
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  • 5. Charlie Sheen

    He made way, way, way too much money starring in a crappy sitcom. He's an unrepentant hooker- and/or wife-battering coke fiend. Then he became perhaps the first man in showbiz to actually, literally take his bipolar breakdown on tour and charge tickets. But those aren't the primary reasons to recoil from Charlie Sheen. His vilest transgression was convincing every jackass in the country to repeat his stupid nonsensical catchphrases long after the joke got old. Fortunately, the shelf life of tiger blood expired just in time to sink Sheen's one-man show.
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  • 4. Hank Williams Jr.

    It's hard trying to stay relevant when you're an old, fat, bearded man playing country music and insisting that you be known by your childhood nickname, the moniker of a ventriloquist's dummy. Somehow Hank "Bocephus" Williams Jr. accomplished this by recording a lame song that's been the Monday Night Football theme since 1989. But Junior decided to throw all those royalties and free Steelers tickets away by comparing Obama to Hitler. Still, something tells us that, controversy or not, future cowgirls and -boys were never going to set the mood and knock boots to his 2000 single, "This Is Bush-Cheney Country."
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  • 3. Julian Assange

    We're blowing the whistle on WikiLeaks' pasty mastermind. How is Julian Assange even a real person? Not only does he borrow suits and hairstyles from Battlestar Galactica's amoral nerd Gaius Baltar, he even appears in public with his fingers steepled in classic "exxxcellent" mode. And that's before the creepy consensual-to-nonconsensual rape allegations. Though some on 4chan are hot for him ("He can Wiki my Leaks anytime," says one anon poster), we just hope all his translucent-dick pics remain top-secret.
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  • 2. Herman Cain

    Where to begin? The (alleged) sexual harassment shenanigans? The Palin-esque obliviousness on foreign policy? Let's go with his 9-9-9 "plan." To combat nationwide paucity, Cain proposes a national sales tax to make stuff harder to buy, and a flat tax that fucks everyone except Scrooge McDuck. Cain may have “suspended” his campaign, but his unsexiness remains — from his annoyed-math-teacher diction, to his incessant book-flogging, to his weirdly weak shoulders. It’s like someone stuck his face on top of an allegedly philandering traffic cone.
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  • 1. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope

    So, we’ll be the first to admit that we don’t know how magnets work, either, but we do know that very thought of nuzzling up to the rancid greasepaint of Insane Clown Posse’s two self-proclaimed floppy-tittied freaks is enough to give us the instant dry-heaves. You’ve seen the horrifying, garbage-steeped concert footage from ICP’s annual Gathering of the Juggalos. Now try to imagine the eye-watering aroma that must waft out of their swampy, Faygo-encrusted clown boxers after every show. That’s one riddle box best left unopened, thanks.
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