Explore the Phoenix
  • 90. Duke Nukem

    Remember that 1990s video-game franchise — Duke Nukem? How come they stopped making those? Well, after being delayed, postponed, and shuffled from developer to developer for 14 years, Duke Nukem Forever finally came out this year, and . . . let's just say ol' Duke's started to show his age. Suspenders made out of bullets? A huge cigar? Sunglasses in all lighting? Jokes about alien tits? Literally picking up your shit and throwing it at people? How the fuck did we ever think Duke Nukem was a cool guy? Oh, right, we were still in middle school. And apparently so are the people who thought this game was worth remaking.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 89. Mark Thompson

    Nothing says "Hey, baby" like having neighbors discover you at home, blood-stained in bra and panties, near a throat-slit goat and a porn mag. This 19-year-old Southern gentleman blamed his unusual circumstances on a three-day bath-salt bender, but redneck PCP doesn't excuse him from besmirching the good name of innocent crossdressers everywhere, the sick fucking fact that the dead animal was a child's pet, or that this tripping asshole stole his demented Kewpie-doll haircut from Gwen Stefani's son Kingston.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 88. Taylor Lautner

    We haven't come across a leading man with less gravitas since some agent tried to convince Hollywood that Topher Grace was a charismatic hunk. Team Edward, Team Jacob . . . who gives a shit? We're Team Whoever Gets This Guy to Keep His Shirt On. We're just not impressed, Tay, we're just not. We don't blame Bella for choosing the fanger over Lautner's werewolf — she probably caught his performance in Abduction.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 87. Vladimir Putin

    Don't think we're alone in thinking Vladimir Putin looks like a vampire. A morally lacking, distasteful-sex-joke-making, country-ruining vampire. Who, coincidentally, you don't want to fuck with because (as his black belt in judo will constantly remind you) his ex-KGB cronies will end you. A man of exquisite taste, Putin loves changing political hats — a glowing example of democracy at its best. Maybe that’s why one of his campaign commercials features a hot couple having sex in a voting booth to a throbbing house beat. Slogan: “Let’s do it together.” Um, pass.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 86. Scott Adams

    If Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams doesn’t want to look like a pathetic, confused misanthrope, he’s not doing a very good job. In a now-deleted March 2011 blog post about gender roles, he compared women to children and the mentally disabled, he described men as endlessly aggressive sex machines, and he concluded that no one deserves respect. After the fallout, Adams deleted the post, called it a "joke," and then admitted he'd been posing as his own biggest fan on Reddit. One of his fake posts: "It's fair to say you disagree with Adams. But you can't rule out the hypothesis that you're too dumb to understand what he's saying. And he's a certified genius. Just sayin'." In our book, he’s also certified as the loneliest asshole ever . . . just sayin'.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 85. George Lucas

    Glad you could put on your flannel shirt and high-waisted jeans to join us, George. A long time ago in a galaxy far away, you had it all: the adoration of nerds, the trust of millions, the loyalty of generations. But what you've done retroactively to the original Star Wars trilogy—with the unseemly CGI insertions, the Blu-Ray OCD, a vertical Jabba the Hutt (!) — is like Steven Spielberg re-editing E.T. so that Elliott's bike is a Razor Scooter and the Speak & Spell is an iPhone. Fix your Alf cowlick and go rework Howard the Duck instead.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 84. Mark Wahlberg

    Mahkie and his bruthahs have turned their childhood into a burger joint. Wahlburgers is either admirable, or horribly cheesy — and not cheesy like the "government" cheese offered on the menu. Choice of burgers runs from a "single decker (a single story, like the house we always wanted)" to the "double decker (a double stack, like our friend’s house down the street)," and finally the "triple decker (a triple stack, like the house we grew up in)." Oh, somebody just take their shirts off already.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 83. Woody Allen

    Nice work on Midnight in Paris, but who are you kidding, pal? We know what you're doing after midnight: sleeping. So why do you insist on making twilight-year films with handsome fanboys as mouthbreathing, neurotic proxies? As much as we're grateful to no longer suspend our imaginations as you fumble through steamy onscreen moments with Diane Keaton (or be reminded of your creepy stepdaughter scandal with every May/December casting choice), Owen Wilson's not a meta-you, and even he couldn't land Marion Cotillard.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 82. Design the Skyline

    Why they're on the list: Metalcore/Screamo/WhoCares?Core's Rebecca Black equivalent, DTS set themselves up for 15 minutes of shame via their self-indulgent, clueless and cacophonous "Surrounded by Silence" video. Though not this year's most contemptible "musical" combo (Crazy Crazy Awesome Awesome = much much worse worse), DTS proved that seven bad songs do not become one good song when squashed together, and that the Internet has ruined everything.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
  • 81. Anderson Cooper

    Here's proof that even prematurely silver foxes slip up sometimes: Cooper, (or Andy, as we've taken to calling him) is what you might call a seasoned reporter— a reporter who regularly proves himself worthy of standing in the majestic ranks of Cronkite and Murrow. Those newsmen of the past, when called upon to express mirth, simply chuckled reservedly. Andy, on the other hand, launched forth such giggles while making poopy jokes about fellow Unsexiest Gerard Depardieu, we wonder if he didn’t pee himself a little.
    Vote!  Sexy  Unsexy
 
next next
Latest Results
See all results
ADVERTISEMENT

Worst of Breed

Unsexiest Archives

See who made the previous Unsexiest lists . . .
ADVERTISEMENT

Latest Comments on the Phoenix